What to do when you miss someone special
When my Grandad passed on, it broke me like never before. This probably sounds cliché, but the last thing I remember is seeing the ‘sad head shake’ every nurse probably reserves when telling family that their loved one has passed on, and then my legs gave way, flopping with shock. Just lying there on the hospital floor, like some flimsy, pathetic rag doll that a child had dropped. Sobbing helplessly. Snot dribbling out my nose like an untrained infant. And looks of pity as nurses walked passed me, behaviour they had probably become accustomed to. To the world, he was a strict, super-conservative, educated, well-spoken, upstanding man.
To me? He was my partner in crime :) We had such a jokey, loving, relationship alhamdulillah (Praise to Allah). Too many stories to tell :)
Yeah...when you've been sobbing for 9 hours straight, a grey face isn't a pretty sight the next morning when we were showing mourners into our home “Yes, come in...yes, ladies here...yes he was a lovely man...yes thank you...I know...I am very lucky he lived with me...” Trying to keep up pleasantries for the Outside World when all you want to do really is... Scream. Rip your hair out. Punch walls. Rip paper. Ask God Why? WHY? WHYYYY??!!!!! The truth is, for the first time, I felt lost. Genuinely lost. Like, a traveller who had somehow stumbled across this horrible forest, and they couldn’t make sense of anything. And they were desperately trying to navigate their way through, but all that kept happening was that they kept getting even more confused...!!!!!!!!
But. Soon I realised that when I started praying Surah Yaseen ( A chapter which is The Heart of the Quran), I felt something strange. Like a stillness. Like the calm and peace after a storm. At the beginning, it was just a little flash of peace. But then, the more I prayed, the more those crashing waves subsided. And they began to calm down, until they finally became nothing more than gentle waves which just ebbed and flowed naturally. The waves were in control. And they didn’t crash any longer. Finally. Some Peace. I had found my peace through praying. Through connecting with Allah (God.) THIS was the solution. It also began to block out the insensitive chitter chatter that guests then soon trickled off into. This was when my waves started to bubble agan. “How DARE they come to pay their respects and then ask nosy questions?” But breathe.....breathing in and out. I didn’t want to offend anyone.
So like I said, when you miss someone, I can sit there and cry.
But then, take away ANYTHING positive thing which came out of this experience. There is always a positive thing, some lesson to be learnt in every experience. The simple fact that you’re also taking away something positive, is a positive thing in itself! Ha! What did you learn? As a firm believer in education, learn learn learn. That’s the only way we develop and improve. I learnt a lot from what I saw in the events during my Grandfather’s passing on; both in terms of people and funeral rites. But most importantly, the fact that my Grandfather is an EPIC human being (ma sha Allah- Praise to Allah), and the fact he passed away on the 25th Night, one of the 10 blessed Nights (possibly the Night of Power) in Ramadhan was MORE epic, because it shows Allah was sooo happy with my Pops J Yay!
So. I learnt that when you miss someone, I can find Peace through Prayer. So I pray and make duaahs (Wish-Prayers) for people I miss. You feel peaceful. And they’re getting prayed for. For their happiness, and protection, and general life-stuff J Win-win! J Also, yes, grieve the fact that you had to say ‘Goodbye’, but say ‘Goodbye’ in a ‘Farewell-Good Luck! J’ way, rather than a ‘Urgh-you’re leaving-why-are-you-going???!!!’ way. The ‘Farewell!’ is like a mark of respect for the very privilege that you knew this person. Appreciate that you even have someone to consider like this. That they came, made an impact on you, taught you some lesson, and now you need to part ways.
And whether you'll cross paths some day, or meet again, is just something I leave to Allah. He is the best of Planners, after all.
Also, as far as you can, try not to see partings like a ‘Mourning’ period. Rather, I try and view it like a ‘Morning’ period. Like, The-day’s-over-time-for-a-new-day way. A new morning doesn’t even have to literally mean a new day, it can simply mean like the new events in your life which are yet to come. I hope that instead of Mourning someone, we can all step back and see goodbyes like a ‘Morning’ period.
Of course I still miss him. I do. I remember him everyday. I just wish I could speak to him, and then the fact that I can't just is SO frustrating. But now it's less of a crying-and-angry, but more of a...fuzzy memory, like a photograph which has gone dusty, which just causes a slight discomforting tingling in my chest should I come across something which triggers memories of him.
A fresh dawn.
And birds twittering happily.
The sun rising resplendently.